Aragorn's Apples: The Two Towersand Apples
by Pyro Vampiress
Summary: And here it is! The sequel to the story Aragorn's Apples: The Fellowship of the Ring...and Apples. The fellowship is broken. Frodo and Sam carry the One Ring to Mount Doom while Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli search for the Urukhai that took Merry and Pippin
1. Very Short Prologue

. (summary continued) Boromir is dead. Gandalf is dead (or IS he...?). While the ring begins to take a hold of Frodo, the mysterious apples begin to affect Aragorn more deeply. Oh yeah, not to mention the chaos that is issuing from the two towers. Will Sam ever realize that he can't really fly? Will the Nazgul finally catch a break? Will Aragorn find himself overwhelmed by all of his gay friends? BIG stuff happening!

Author's Note: Yes, it is here. The sequel. I know that this first chapter is really short, but the other ones will definitely be longer. (This is just the prologue!) Please r/r! Thanks! Bye!

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were running through the woods. If you do not remember, they were searching for Merry and Pippin. Legolas and Gimli were disturbing Aragorn slightly by giggling and running into each other playfully.

"Yo, guys!" Aragorn called over his shoulder. "Move faster!"

"You go ahead, Aragorn," Legolas answered. "We'll catch up!"

And they collapsed on the dirt ground together right there.

"Oh my God..." Aragorn growled, rolling his eyes. He turned around to pull Legolas and Gimli up.

Meanwhile, Boromir was in the boat that Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had put him in. He was waking up from a daze and felt pain and exhaustion, but he felt he would live.

"I'm... alive!" he exclaimed hoarsley.

And then he went over the falls of Rauros and hit his head on the rocks.

NOW he was dead.

Frodo and Sam were stumbling around the rocks of Emyn Muil. Frodo sat down, telling Sam he needed rest. They both fell asleep.

Frodo dreamed of the day, not long ago, that Gandalf had fallen into shadow. Images of that moment filled his head. He remembered Sam saying so matter-of-factly, "I can fly." He remembered Gandalf sliding over the edge of the cliff. He remembered Aragorn telling Legolas to write a letter to the Guiness World Records book.

He awoke sharply to Sam shrieking like a little girl as a bunch of pigeons tried to steal his lembas bread. Frodo sighed, and stood up to help his friend fend off the birds.

Pippin was tied around the back of a very smelly Uruk. He wondered if his captors would feed him anything; he was quite hungry. He looked around at the Uruk carrying Merry. Merry had a cut on his head and appeared to be unconscious.

"Psst! Merry!" Pippin whispered.

"Shut up, hafling, and I'll give you a mushroom!" the Uruk carrying Pippin hissed. Pippin thought about it. He looked back at Merry, but he had not responded.

"Mmm," Pippin said in thought, "okay! Screw Merry, I'd LOVE a mushroom!"


	2. The Pyro of Rohan

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli ran up a rocky hill and stopped at the top of it. Gimli was panting heavily, not very good at running long distances.

"Just keep running," he sang. "Just keep running. Just keep running, running, running."

"Um, if you guys haven't figured it out," Aragorn said, "we are now in Rohan."

"Ahh, Rohan," Legolas sighed. "The country where I lost my virginity!"

Aragorn and Gimli stared at the elf.

"You lost your virginity...in Rohan?" Aragorn asked slowly.

"Yep! I was here going door to door selling caviar. I knocked on one door, she opened it, and I took her right there on the threshold of her house! Then I left, and I haven't seen her since!"

"You mean..." Gimli said quietly, "I won't be your first?"

"No, I'm sorry Gimmels," Legolas sighed. "But don't worry!" he said more cheerfully. "You'll probably be my best!"

"You really think so?" Gimli asked brightly.

"I'm POSITIVE."

Legolas and Gimli took that moment to gaze at each other fondly. Aragorn was gaping at them in shock and disgust.

"I knew I should've taken you guys to see the Chronicles of Narnia instead of Brokeback Mountain!" Aragorn exclaimed with frustration.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were, once again, stumbling around the rocks of Emyn Muil.

"Ok, I'm seriously beginning to hate lembas bread," Sam said grimly. "At least when we were all together, we had Strider to hunt and cook for us. But now...all we have is...BREAD."

"Hey, Sam, do you smell something...smelly?" Frodo asked, sniffing the air.

"Smells like a bog...in the fog...with a frog...and a dog...eating a hog...going for a jog-"

"Okay, okay, I get it," Frodo said impatiently.

THUNDER THUNDER RUMBLE GRUMBLE, IN THE SKY, THUNDER RUMBLE

"Gee, I hope it doesn't rain," Frodo frowned, looking up at the darkening sky.

"Naw, of course not. It won't-"

Rain fell down in an ocean.

"Shut up, Frodo," Sam mumbled.

The two hobbits took shelter under an overhanging rock that jutted out from a cliff. They crouched down, wrapping their cloaks around themselves and putting their hoods up.

"Psst, Sam!" Frodo said. "We're not alone!"

"Okaaay," Sam said slowly, raising an eyebrow.

"Let's pretend to be asleep."

The two hobbits lied down on the ground and cuddled up close to each other, closing their eyes.

Above them, a weird, psychotic creature was crawling down the cliff towards them.

"They are thieves," the creature hissed. "They are thieves! They are filthy little thieves. They stole it. They stole the precious from us, and we wants it!"

The creature reached towards the hobbits, but they both leapt up, roaring like...like...um...rhinos...? Yeah, rhinos. Sam was rolling around on the ground with the creature. It bit him, then pounced on top of him. Frodo hurried over, pulling out Sting, his sword. Actually, it's not really his sword, it's Bilbo's sword, but Bilbo gave it to Frodo, who really doesn't know how to use it, and Frodo-OH! I'm rambling again. Okay, anyway...

Frodo pulled out Sting and put it to the creature's neck.

"Release him or I'll cut your throat," Frodo growled.

The creature looked from Sam to the sword point with hesitation. He made an angry face, flicked Frodo off, then let Sam go.

"Gollum," Sam mumbled as he stood up.

"Gandalf told us ALL about you," Frodo said.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Sam exclaimed, jumping up and down. "Can we tie him up, my love, please, please, PLEASE!"

"Sure!" Frodo said cheerfully. "Still got that Elvish rope?"

It was now night in Rohan. The troop of Uruks carrying Merry and Pippin stopped in a field.

"We're not going no further," one of them spat, "until we have a breather!"

"Get a fire going!" roared another.

"What if I don't WANNA get a fire going!" challenged another Uruk.

"Then I'll kill you!" the commanding Uruk hissed.

"You're so mean, Patrick," whined the challenging Uruk, and he stalked off.

Merry and Pippin had been thrown uncerimoniously on the ground.

"Merry," Pippin said quietly, trying to get Merry's attention without attracting that of another Uruk's.

"Hola, Pippin," Merry said. "Tu eres poco gordo."

"Er...what's that mean?" Pippin asked.

"I said, 'you are a little overweight,'."

"So are you!" Pippin said indignantly. Merry giggled. Suddenly, a loud moan was issued from the woods next to the field. "What was that?"

Merry got up on his elbows, staring at the woods in wonder.

"It's the trees."

"What?"

"You remember the Old Forest, on the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the water to make the trees grow tall...and come alive!"

"Alive?" Pippin whispered fearfully.

"Trees that could whisper, talk to each other, even MOVE!"

Pippin gulped.

"I'm starvin'," one of the Uruks said. "We ain't had nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!"

Well, I guess Frodo and Sam were not the only ones that were tired of bread.

"Yeah!" an Urukhai with a lisp said. "Why can't we have some meat?"

Before they knew it, Merry and Pippin were being pulled up and dragged over.

"What about them?" another Uruk asked, staring at the hobbits hungrily. "They're fresh."

"They-are NOT-for eating!" one of the leader Uruks said firmly.

"What about their legs?" a slightly insane-looking Uruk asked. "They don't need those!"

Pippin looked down at his legs while Merry said angrily, "Yes we do!"

"Oh, they look tasty!" the insane-looking Uruk continued, moving towards the hobbit pair.

"Get back scum!" the leader Uruk ordered, blocking the insane one.

"Just a mouthful!" a different one said, raising a sword at Merry and Pippin. The leader Uruk immediately killed it.

"Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!" it roared excitedly. The Urukhai dove at their dead comrade and began to feast savagely upon it, intestines and such other lovely things flying up in the air.

"Pippin," Merry whispered, "come on!"

The two hobbits began to army crawl to the shelter of the woods. Pippin, however, found himself being forcefully grabbed from behind.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed, wheeling around. "That's my ass you're grabbing!" The insane Uruk was lying over him, holding up a knife.

"Let's put a maggot hole in your belly," it suggested, raising the knife higher.

"Um, can we not?" Pippin whimpered. Just then, a spear came out of nowhere and hit the Uruk. It screeched in pain, and fell over. Pippin sat up and looked around wildly. Many men on horseback had come charging through the camp, throwing spears and shooting arrows at the Uruks.

"Dammit!" the leader Uruk cursed. The troop pulled out their own weapons to fight back, but were easily subdued by the men. Merry and Pippin got up and began to run towards the woods. Pippin fell, his belt getting caught on an abandoned pike. Merry undid it for him and they continued to run. Pippin fell face forward. He rolled upward, but screamed as a set of horse hooves reared up above him, and came down.

The next day, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were still running in a field when a rumbling noise ensued. Aragorn gestured at the love-stricken pair to follow him behind a boulder. A large number of men came riding past the boulder on horses, a flag raised. Aragorn stood up and walked out from behind the boulder, beckoning Legolas and Gimli, who had begun to kiss, to come with him. They grudgingly stood up and joined him.

"Riders of Rohan!" Aragorn called. "What news from the Mark?"

The man riding at the front of the group motioned for the others to turn around. In a flash, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were surrounded.

"What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?" the leader of the men asked commandingly. "Speak quickly!"

"We are searching for our friends that happen to be hobbits that happen to have been taken captive by a band of Urukhai that we have happened to have been tracking westward across the plain," Aragorn explained.

"The Uruks are dead; we slaughtered them last night," the leader said.

"But did you see two hobbits with them?" Gimli asked frantically.

"They would be small, only children to your eyes," Aragorn said.

"No, so they're probably dead," the man stated bluntly. "But if they do happen to be alive, they'd better be careful if a full-grown man would mistake them for children. There is a strange peasant around here named Michael Jackson that likes to 'play with kids' if you get my meaning. But if you want to check around the Uruks' camp, it is right over there, where the smoke is coming from."

The man pointed. "We burned the carcasses. It was quite fun! Oh yeah, my name is Eomer, a.k.a. 'The Pyro of Rohan'. I say, are you two holding hands!" Eomer exclaimed, his eyes on the linked fingers of Legolas and Gimli.

"What business of it is yours?" Gimli snapped. Eomer hopped off of his horse, pulled off his helmet, and strode right up to Gimli.

"I would cut off your head, DWARF, if it stood a little higher from the ground," Eomer growled. Legolas whipped out his bow and nocked an arrow in a fraction of a second.

"Do NOT mess with my dwarf!" Legolas snarled. Aragorn finally got between them, giving all three of them a stern look.

"Eomer," Aragorn said, inclining his head, "could we borrow horses to search the area? Also, would we be welcome to come speak with King Theoden after our search?"

"To answer your first question, that is an easy yes, but as for your second...well, the king no longer recognizes friend from foe, not even his own kin," Eomer sighed. The men here with me are the only ones that remain loyal to the king, and for that we are banished...the story of that, well, perhaps my sister can tell you. Take Hasufel and Arrod." Two horses came trotting up to them. "Search the area, and return to the Golden Hall of Meduseld if you wish, but be warned, the King is being controlled by Saruman, and Grima Wormtongue-you'll know who he is when you see him, he's so ugly and smelly-is helping Saruman to control my uncle, who is the king. Go...like, now."

Aragorn climbed onto the brown horse, Hasufel, and Legolas and Gimli climbed on the grey horse, Arrod. Gimli sat behind Legolas, giggling and slipping his hands down the back of Legolas's trousers. Aragorn slapped his forehead in embarrassment. Bill the Butterfly patted his nose and muttered consolingly, "I know, I know."

The Rohirrim rode away and Aragorn lead the way to the smoke.

"Gimmels, I'm ticklish there!" giggled Legolas.

"I know," Gimli smirked. Aragorn moaned and rode faster.


	3. A Pile of Carcasses

Back in Emyn Muil, Frodo and Sam were walking along happily while they pulled a noisy Gollum on a rope.

"Hey, Frodo, what if the orcs kind of hear this crap and come kill us and stuff?" Sam asked.

"Hmm," Frodo said, stopping and stroking his chin. "I'm not really sure."

"We could always fly away."

"How...?"

"I can fly and take you with me."

Frodo:...

"Let us go!" wailed Gollum. "Please let us go. We didn't mean to bring harm upon you. We aren't right in our heads-"

"I can see that," Sam muttered.

"-and we promise we'll be good to the nice, kind, shexy hobbits!"

"Ok!" Frodo said cheerfully, already bending over to untie Gollum.

"FrodoareyouINSANE?" Sam yelled breathlessly. "That disgusting thing is going to kill us while we sleep!"

"Samwise, quit being mean!" Frodo said reprovingly.

"I'm not mean," Sam snapped, "YOU"RE just a SISSY!"

Frodo ignored Sam and crouched down by Gollum, looking him in his big, bulging eyes.

"Do you know the way to Mordor?" he asked quietly.

"Yeeess..." Gollum said slowly.

"Have you been there before?"

"Yes."

"Then you will lead us there or I will stuff a shoe down your throat. Got it?" Frodo growled.

Gollum looked down at Frodo's feet and raised an eyebrow.

You doesn't...WEAR any shoes..." he said. Frodo looked down at his own feet and said, "Oh."

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had arrived at the field the smoke had come from. Hopping off their horses, they walked around the area, taking in all of the detail of the scene. A black pile of bodies was sending up the smoke, leaving the air with an untasteful scent. The grass was all stirred up and weapons and other items were scattered around. A forest that was unusually quiet lay nearby. Aragorn looked around in sadness. Gimli had begun to dig through the pile of carcasses. Legolas was just standing there, watching Gimli dig. He looked down and began to lament for the hobbits in Elvish. Gimli pulled something out from the pile, and held it up for the others to see.

"It's one of their wee belts..." he stated quietly.

Just then, there was a roar of rage and Aragorn kicked a nearby helmet, sending it between two trees.

"Field goal," Legolas said quietly.

Aragorn collapsed onto the grown and groaned. He slipped his hand under his cloak, and a green apple was suddenly clutched in his fingers. He raised the apple to his lips, and took a bite. Legolas and Gimli turned around to face him at the crunching sound, and, yelling, dove on top of him, trying to wrestle the apple away from him. The apple was still in Aragorn's grip, which had become like steel. He yelled, and, with the force of a rampaging Mumak, swiped at Legolas and Gimli, sending them flying. Aragorn stood up, taking another bite of apple. He saw Legolas and Gimli lying on the ground twenty feet away from him and went over to the pile of carcasses.

Mark you that Aragorn was NOT himself when he did all this.

He touched his hand to one of the bodies, and it sprang to life. It stood next to Aragorn, staring hungrily at Legolas and Gimli, who were beginning to stand up. Aragorn took another bite of apple, chewing noisily.

"I am at your command, my Lord," the resurrected Uruk growled to Aragorn. "What shall you have me do?"

"Kill them," Aragorn stated blandly. The Uruk growled its approval and charged at Legolas and Gimli, its scythe raised.

"What the-?" Gimli exclaimed.

"You kill the Uruk, I'll take care of Estel," Legolas told the dwarf.

"Um, okey dokes," Gimli said with insecurity, but raising his ax all the same.

While Gimli and the Uruk clashed, Legolas charged at Aragorn.

"Stay back, elf!" Aragorn yelled.

"Aragorn, it's me, Legolas!" Legolas said, stopping in front of Aragorn. Aragorn grabbed Legolas by the throat and held him up in the air as easily as if he were filled with helium. Aragorn squeezed his throat with the strength of an octopus. Legolas gasped and spluttered as he choked. He panicked as oxygen stopped flowing through his lungs. Knowing the only way he could get Aragorn to go back to normal was getting rid of his apple, Legolas kicked at Aragorn's other hand. The apple flew out of it, due to Aragorn's slacked grip on it, and rolled away. Aragorn's head jerked in the direction of the apple and his grip on Legolas's throat also slackened.

"Gimli!" Legolas wheezed to the dwarf. Gimli had knocked the Uruk to the ground and was now smashing his ax into it. "Come help me!" Gimli nodded and ran over. He looked from the apple, to Aragorn, to Legolas in hesitation. Which should he take care of first?

"Take the apple and put it in the pile!" Legolas gasped. "Find a spot that's still hot!" Gimli dashed for the apple. With a howl of anger, Aragorn did too, still holding Legolas up the neck, who's face was turning purple and whose mind was going white. Luckily, Gimli reached the apple first. He ran as fast as his legs would allow him over to the carcasses. His eyes scrutinized it frantically to look for a part that was hot enough to burn the apple. He glanced up to see Aragorn skid to a halt at where the apple had been on the ground, and turn to the pile of bodies. Gimli searched more quickly. Just when he thought all was lost, he found a small flame protruding from the bottom of the pile. He placed the apple on top of it and dove out of the way as Aragorn pounced in his direction. He had dropped Legolas on the ground and now came crashing to it himself, missing the dwarf by inches. Gimli watched Aragorn, who was lying on the ground and shaking his head as he slowly sat upright. He then decided to see if Legolas okay and ran over to him.

"Leggers!" Gimli exclaimed concernedly, dropping to the ground to help a coughing Legolas sit upright.

"I'm okay, I'm okay," choked Legolas. They sat on the ground and hugged each other, looking warily at Aragorn. He sat up and rubbed his head. He looked across the field at his friends and sighed.

"What-what happened?" he asked fearfully. Gimli told Aragorn the story of how he ate an apple, resurrected a Uruk, ordered it to kill him and Legolas, then how he choked Legolas and how Gimli burned the apple. Aragorn put his face in his hands in shame.

"I...I did that?" he inquired quietly.

"Estel, it wasn't your fault," Legolas said. He and Gimli got up and walked over to Aragorn. They sat next to him and patted his arm consolingly. "It was the power of the apples. This is your first time eating one in days! You're getting better!"

"No Legolas," Aragorn said seriously. "I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. I actually changed when I bit the apple. I became evil and powerful for a few minutes and I almost killed you guys!"

Legolas and Gimli were silent for a moment, thinking of something to say to cheer Aragorn up. The problem was, there was a lot of truth to what Aragorn said and it was hard to think of something they could say to counter what he said.

"Listen," Legolas said firmly. "Don't worry about it. Let's just get back on the horses and ride to Edoras. Maybe we can try to help the people of Rohan with King Theoden."

Aragorn nodded and looked at the ground. He frowned and furrowed his brow, leaning closer to the earth. He touched the grass and examined it carefully.

"A hobbit lay here," he muttered. He got up in a crouching position and went along the ground, reading it like a book. "And another..."

"Estel?" Legolas said in confusion. Aragorn stood up and walked around the field, bent over, and observed the tracks some more. Legolas and Gimli looked at each other, then got up and followed.

"The tracks lead away from the battle..." Aragorn stated, more to himself than his friends. Aragorn continued to follow the tracks and Legolas and Gimli continued to follow him.

"...and into Fangorn Forest," Aragorn concluded, stopping at the edge of the wood and looking up at the trees.

"Fangorn?" said Gimli. "What madness drove them in there?"

"The Pyro of Rohan's, I expect," Aragorn mumbled.

Merry and Pippin had indeed gone into Fangorn Forest, looking for shelter from the ensuing fight in the field. When the horse had reared up over Pippin's face, he had rolled over before the hooves came down. He and Merry had then escaped into the forest by staying low to the ground.

They had run as quickly and quietly as they could, but had been caught up to.

"Hey, dumbass hobbits!" a nasty voice had called to them. "I'm NOT dead!"

"Oh my God, this orc's sooo creepy!" Pippin said with a shudder. Merry gestured at a tree and whispered, "Tree, climb a tree." Pippin went up first and then Merry climbed onto the branch below him. They sat there, holding their breath and listening.

"Do you think he's gone?"Merry asked quietly.

"I'm gonna rip out your filthy little innards!" the

Uruk called menacingly.

"Nope," Pippin answered.

They waited a few more minutes, listening, but nothing happened.

"He's gone!" Merry said excitedly. Just then, he was pulled down from the tree branch by his ankle.

"Merry! You lied!" Pippin called. If you haven't figured it out, it was the psycho Uruk that pulled down Merry.

"Shut up, Pippin!" Merry yelled as the Uruk dragged him away from the tree. The Uruk crouched over him and raised his weapon.

"Merry!" Pippin called in fear. He glanced at the tree for a moment, saw that it had eyes and then looked back at Merry. Realizing what he had just seen, he turned slowly back to the tree just as Merry kicked the Uruk in the face.

"Hello!" the tree said brightfully. "I am an ent, a.k.a. a talking tree! How may I help you?"

"Uh-um-um...you can squash the orc down there..." Pippin stammered.

"Sure! No problem!" the ent said. It lifted a leg high in the air and brought it down upon the Uruk.

"Run, Merry!" Pippin yelled. Merry, looking up at the ent, did not hesitate, but ran away, only to be scooped back up into the air again. The ent now had Merry in its left hand and Pippin in its right. It began to walk through the forest with them, carrying them as if they were dolls.

"Little orcs..." the ent growled.

"How dare you call us orcs!" Merry exclaimed indignantly. "We're hobbits, you fool!"

"Hobbits? Never heard of a hobbit before."

"Yeah, well, no one has," Merry said grumpily. "Listen, can you just let us down and we'll leave you alone?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like you. You orcs are always burning us ents down and you know what? IT PISSES ME OFF!"

"WE-AREN'T-ORCS!" Merry said clearly, getting frustrated.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Treebeard growled. "The White Wizard will know."

"Psst! Merry! Who's the White Wizard?" Pippin whispered.

"Saruman..." answered Merry, frightened. Before they knew it, Merry and Pippin were being thrown to the ground once more. They had landed right next to each other, their faces in the dirt. They looked up. A blinding white light approached them, then dimmed down to reaveal a person standing there, an old man with long white hair and a long white beard, draped in long, white clothes. He appeared to be holding a staff.

"I," the man said in a deep voice, "am the White Wizard."

"Merry, you lied again!" Pippin snapped. "You are ALWAYS wrong about EVERYTHING! I suppose you would probably lie if I asked you where my mushroom went too!"

"Shut up, you fool of a Took!" both Merry and the White Wizard said in unison.


	4. The Killer Ent, Ghosty, and King

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had now entered Fangorn Forest. Legolas used his good ol' Elven wisdom to tell his companions that the forest was a.) old b.)full of memory and anger, and c.) that the trees were speaking to each other. Gimli patted Legolas on the back and said, "Of course, sweetie."

Aragorn shook his head and beckoned for his silly willy friends to keep going. After a few minutes, they stopped.

"Dude," Aragorn said, turning around to face his friends. "There is totally a white wizard in here. Don't talk to him. If it's Saruman, as I suspect, he will ruin our reputation for sure...and put a spell on us."

Aragorn placed a hand on the hilt of his sword. Legolas nocked an arrow and Gimli gripped his axe more tightly. A bright white light came closer and closer to them from the distance.

Meanwhile, Bill yawned from Aragorn's nose, stood up, and stretched.

"Hey, Estel, what are we do-?"

"Shh!"

"What, bad time of month?" Bill asked grumpily.

Suddenly-

"Futchwaaa!" Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli yelled simultaneously.

A glowing man was right before them. He deflected Legolas's arrow, knocked away Gimli's ax, and made Aragorn's sword burn, forcing him to drop it.

"Ow!" Aragorn cursed, shaking his hand through the air. "Dammit, next time I'll bring some ovenmitts!"

"Okay," the wizard said, still glowing, "firstly, I'm NOT Saruman, so I fooled you all, which is awesome. Secondly, Merry and Pippin are safe. They are being carried around by my drinking buddy Treebeard."

"Who are you?" Aragorn hissed. The wizard sighed impatiently and the glowing light of coolness vanished.

"Aragorn, it's me, Gandalf," Gandalf said.

There was an awkward silence. Don't you love those? Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli used it to exchange looks with each other, then they burst out laughing, slapping their knees.

"What? What?" Gandalf asked, looking a little flustered.

"But...you're...white!" Legolas giggled.

"Yeah, Gandalf was grey, not white," Gimli grinned. "EVERYONE knows that, silly!"

"Yeah," Gandalf snapped. "And Legolas and Gimli have never been gay! EVERYONE knows that too, 'silly'!"

Legolas and Gimli shut up and Aragorn laughed harder. Tears were leaking from his eyes and he dropped to the ground, rolling around.

"Guys, come on! I'm serious!" Gandalf said impatiently. "I've got loads of stuff to tell you."

Aragorn quit laughing after another ten minutes. (The others all spent that time staring at Aragorn with raised eyebrows.) He sat up and folded his legs Indian style. Legolas sat down the same way and Gimli sat on his lap like a little kid.

Gandalf explained to the three companions that after he fell, he had battled the Balrog and, though he killed it, he died too. He woke up naked in Mirkwood with a bunch of elves bending over him, giggling like hell. He proudly explained to them that he had gotten to change colors because the Istari had decided he was cool enough to move up one whole frickin' color and how he had danced for joy. Then, he explained to them that Theoden looked really weird and that he was indisposed, thanks to Grima Wormtongue. When Aragorn asked what this had to do with them, Gandalf got mad and threw a brick at him. Aragorn fell backwards in pain and lie in the dirt, holding his head. Gandalf giggled. He told them that it was their job to go to Edoras, free Theoden, kick Wormtongue's ass, and help them in a battle against Isengard.

"So, what you're saying..." Gimli said slowly, "is that our exhausting search for Merry and Pippin was pretty much a waste of time?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Gandalf nodded with half a shrug.

Meanwhile, Gollum was leading Frodo and Sam through the Dead Marshes.

"Why are they called the Dead Marshes?" Frodo asked stupidly.

"Gee, could it be because there are a bunch of bodies lying in the water?" Gollum said sardonically.

Frodo stopped and looked into the water. Gollum laughed sourly at him and Sam came over to give Frodo a hug.

"Samuel, get off me!" Frodo snapped. Sam let go of Frodo in surprise.

"Okay, Mr. Frodo, you and I have some things we need to get straight," Sam said sternly. "Firstly, Sam stands for Samwise, not Samuel. Secondly, you used to like it when I gave you hugs. Thirdly, Gollum needs to go. He's bad!"

Frodo blinked. He mouthed, "Samwise?" before saying, "Sam, I think we need to break up, okay?"

Sam opened his mouth in shock. His lip began to tremble and he took a step away from Frodo.

"W-w-w-why?" Sam asked.

"Sam, I'm really sorry," Frodo said sadly. "It's just not working out. I think I would rather we were just friends, all right?"

"Fine," Sam sniffled. "But I still think we should kill Gollum."

"He's showing us the way, Sam."

"Nuh-uh! He is planning on killing us both. I know it. He's a foul, evil little-"

"What are we, invisible?" Gollum exclaimed. "Yous is talking about us as if we wasn't here!"

"Sam, we need him. End of discussion."

The three continued to walk in huffy silence. Frodo was irritated with Sam for mistrusting Gollum. Sam was irritated with Frodo for breaking up with him and not believing him. And Gollum was irritated with-well, everybody because he did not have the Ring.

"We might add," he said stonily, "not to look at the lights."

Ten seconds later:

"Whaaaa!" Frodo exclaimed. He had looked at one of the bodies in the water and the eyes had opened, making him fall face forward into the water after it. He was under the dirty, gross water and looked around in terror. Ghostly things were floating towards him, evil blank eyes glaring at him, white, gnarly hands reaching towards him. He suddenly felt something grab his shoulder and he felt a fresh wave of terror.

It was not a hand grabbing him to kill him, however, but a hand to help him out of the water. Frodo gasped as he broke the surface and was dropped onto the grass. He looked up to see Gollum crouched next to him, glowering at him.

"Is you stupid!" Gollum exclaimed. "We told you, don't look at the lights!"

Treebeard set Merry and Pippin down on the ground gently and told them to sleep there for the night. Merry and Pippin, both exhausted, lay on the earth and watched Treebeard walk away and stand in a comfortable position, closing his eyes. Before they knew it, Merry and Pippin were both asleep.

Pippin woke up the next morning to find Merry doing some jumping jacks.

"Merry? Um...Merry?" Pippin said worriedly. "What the hell are you doing? And where's Treebeard?"

"Excercising," Merry answered breathily. "I have a feeling we're going to be doing a lot of sitting around on various parts of Treebeard while he transports us everywhere and I'd like to stay in shape. And Treebeard went to an ent bar."

"Um, Merry," Pippin said as if what he was saying were obvious, "you've never been in shape in the first place."

Merry stopped doing jumping jacks. "I'm in better shape than you, thank you very much!"

"Nuh-uh!" Pippin replied indignantly. "I'm even taller than you!"

Merry walked up to Pippin. "No, you are n-" Merry stopped and looked at Pippin, who looked mischievious. "How...you were never taller than me!"

"Of course I was," Pippin said smugly, standing up straighter. He picked up a basin that was next to where he had been sleeping and took a sip from it, growing a slight inch. "I mean, you must be what, three-six, three-seven? I'm at least three foot eight." Pippin took another sip. "Three-nine."

"What is that? Where did you get it?" Merry asked sharply. "Give me some!"

Pippin jumped backwards, giggling, taking more sips. Merry chased him and ended up knocking him to the ground. The basin shattered and what looked like water leaked all over the tree roots they lay on. They went to get up, but both of them felt something wrapped around their legs.

"What the-"

Tree roots were wrapped around their chests and pulling them underground.

"Aaaaahhh!" they both screamed as dirt went over their heads. The ent roared psychopathically.

"Away! Away!" they heard a voice above them say somewhat muffled. The tree roots lifted them back above the ground and sank back shyly into the earth. The ent to which they belonged grumbled. Merry and Pippin lifted their faces up to see Treebeard standing there, glaring at the ent that had just tried to eat them.

"Whoa," Merry whispered excitedly. "We almost got eaten by a tree!"

Pippin asked happily, "Can we do that again?"

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were out of Fangorn Forest now. Gandalf did a really cool whistle and a shiny white horse came galloping gracefully up to them.

"Shadowfax," Gandalf said quietly. "He's the lord of all horses." Gandalf stroked Shadowfax's muzzle and looked at Aragorn. "That means he can tell your horse what to do," he sneered.

"Hasufel," Shadowfax barked, "go get me some hay."

"Screw you!" Hasufel snapped.

They rode to Edoras a few minutes later. Before entering the Golden Hall of Meduseld, they had to give up their weapons. The man asked for Gandalf's staff too.

"You would not part an old man from his walking stick?' Gandalf responded kindly.

"Well, I would," the guard said, "but for some reason today I feel like being nice so go on ahead and go inside." Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli went into hall.

An ugly old man with glassy eyes sat in the throne, an even uglier man with greasy black hair and a pale face stood next to him. A lovely woman with long blonde hair was coming down the stairs, looking sad. She went up to the throne and crouched down to the level of the old man's ear.

"My lord," she whispered, "Theodred is dead." The old man stared ahead of him blankly. "Uncle? Your son is dead. Do you care?" The old man continued to stare blankly. The woman looked up angrily at the really ugly man on the other side of the throne.

"What did you do to him?" she growled.

"Easy, my lady," the greasy-haired man replied. "I have done nothing."

The woman snorted. "Bullshit."

"Ah-my lord, Gandalf is here. Laugh evilly at him."

"Nah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha," the old man laughed insanely. "Mra ha ha ha ha ha ha. You have no power here, Gandalf Stormcrow. Ma ha ha ha-"

Gandalf lifted up his grey garments that he had used to disguise his white ones and blinded the man in the throne. Aragorn grabbed the woman by the arm and pulled her over towards him.

"Boys," Gandalf murmured, "I would like to introduce everyone. Aragorn, the woman you are holding onto because you have had no woman contact since you dumped Arwen into the river, is Eowyn."

Eowyn looked up at Aragorn and contracted her eyebrows, not sure that she wanted him holding onto her if he had thrown the last woman he had touched into a river.

"The psychotic man in the throne," Gandalf continued, "is Eowyn's uncle, the King Theoden, but he is being possessed by Saruman because Wormtongue, the ugliest guy you'll ever see in your life, betrayed Rohan and now works for Saruman."

"Dude! Shut up!" Wormtongue yelled, standing up and looking around nervously at the rest of the people in the hall, who were watching this all interestedly.

"RRAAAAHHHHHGGHH!" Theoden/Saruman roared and jumped from the throne, flying towards Gandalf. Gandalf rose his staff and the psycho person went flying backwards. The man commenced to change. The glassiness left his eyes. His unkempt grey hair went slightly shorter and turned blonde. The wrinkles in his skin went away and he looked younger. He looked around confusedly. Eowyn ran up to him and hugged him, smiling. Theoden looked at her curiously and said, "I know your face..."

"I would hope so," Eowyn said happily. "You only raised me for twenty something years!"

Author's note: Well, I hope you liked it. Just so you all know, the part with Merry and Pippin getting taller and getting sucked under the dirt came from the extended version of TTT. I don't know how many of you reading this have seen it so...there you go.


	5. King Out of the Coma

Theoden slowly stood up from his throne. He looked around the hall at all the people bowing at him and felt a pang of guilt. These were his people, and he had not been there for them for who knew how long.

"You know, your fingers would totally know their old strength again if they grasped your sword," Gandalf said, handing Theoden a familiar blade.

"Yes, they do," he said, gazing fondly at his sword. He then gave Wormtongue a rather peculiar look. "Now I can use it to kill the ugly little wormy guy."

"EEP!" Wormtongue squeaked, making a run out of the hall, but not before being caught by Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Eowyn, and many other people at the same time. Someone opened the doors and Wormtongue was thrown down the stone steps. Everyone slowly began to advance upon him, Theoden at the front of the group with his sword raised.

Everyone chanted, "Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on YOU!"

"Grima, you are a traitor and a coward and a seagull," Theoden said menacingly.

Wormtongue, who had been lying on the ground, cowering, said, "A seagull? What?"

"Yes, a seagull. You were a seagull and you pecked out my pet basilisk's eyes and burned my villagers' crops the last time you died and-"

"That's not a seagull, fool of a king, that's a pheonix!" Wormtongue said exasperatedly.

"Yeah, that was me, Theo," a fiery red pheonex said from where it sat perched on top of a flag. "And my name's Fawkes."

"Oh," Theoden blinked. "Sorry about that." He looked back at Wormtongue threateningly. "Now, where were we?"

"Umm, we were at the part where you were telling me what a horrible person I was and you were probably gonna kill me after that," Wormtongue grumbled.

"Oh yes! So, uh, yeah, you suck, like completely, and now you're gonna be all, you know, dead and dripping blood on my steps."

Theoden brought his sword up over Wormtongue's body, but found Aragorn grabbing him by the arm to stop him.

"No, my lord!" Aragorn said urgently. "No. Enough blood has been spilled on his account.

Theoden reluctantly lowered his sword as Aragorn held out his hand to help Wormtongue up from the ground. Wormtongue spat at him and ran away. The crowd gathered around them gasped. Aragorn shook the saliva off of his hand and exclaimed, "Well, that was rude!"

"Dammit, Aragorn, you should have let me kill him!" Theoden cursed, watching Wormtongue ride out of the stable on a stolen horse.

"I know he's a thief," Aragorn replied patiently.

"Not because of that! Because he's an asshole!"

"That too, Toto."

"Toto?"

"Frodo."

"Frodo?"

"Oboe."

"What?"

"Toto," Aragorn explained, "is a dog. Frodo is a hobbit. And they got together with their oboe."

"Toto and Frodo have an oboe."

"Yep...did you know Lance Bass is gay?"

"Dude," Theoden sighed, "ALL the Backstreet Boys are gay."

"Actually, Lance Bass is from NSync."

"Oh! Well, where's Theodred? He'd love to hear about Clance being gay."

Theoden, however, looked around him in vain. Had he not been possessed by Saruman, he would have known that his son was dead, considering that Eowyn had told him clearly that he had died.

Ten minutes later...

Theoden was kneeling by a grave, sobbing his eyes out.

"There, there, Theoden," Gandalf said sympathetically. "Your son lived a good life."

"I'm n-n-not crying for h-him," Theoden choked. "I'm crying because of Eowyn's horrible singing at my son's funeral!"

"Oh."

Some time later...

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli were in the hall again with Theoden and Gandalf. Gimli was pigging out and burping like a loon while Gandalf tried to convince Theoden that they needed to prepare for an attack from Isengard.

"I don't wanna," Theoden said poutily.

"Would you rather have all your people die because you did not do as you were advised?" Gandalf snapped. "Eat your vegetables, dammit!"

Theoden looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

"And go to battle..." Gandalf finished. Theoden shook his head wearily. Lotsa stuff had been happening since he "woke up" and smelled the lembas bread. None of it made him very happy at all. He was also feeling kind of pissy with Aragorn for stopping him when he wanted to kill Wormtongue. He could have had some much wanted revenge.

"I will not risk open war," Theoden announced. Aragorn, who was smoking, lowered his pipe.

"Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not," he said cooly. Theoden stood up angrily and walked over to the ranger with a grumpy gait.

"You're not officially a king! Stop making me feel jealous because you're smarter than me!" Theoden exclaimed. Aragorn raised his eyebrows in wonder.

Bill the Butterfly said, "Hey, it's not his fault he's a better king than you are...smelly."

"I am NOT smelly, and Aragorn is NOT a better king than me! This is MY country. Mine, mine, mine, mine, MINE!"

There was silence for a little while before Gandalf broke it and spoke.

"Um, Aragorn, could I talk to you in the stable for a moment please?"

After Gandalf and Aragorn closed the doors of the hall, Theoden/the Incredibly PMSing Hulk turned angrily towards Legolas and Gimli and roared, "MINE!" another time. The elf and the dwarf ran as quickly as they could out the doors.

"God," Legolas muttered. "I'm starting to miss the insane, maniacal Theoden."


	6. Madness and Mayhem

Gandalf turned to Aragorn once they were in the stable.

"Aragorn, my fax machine is broken, so I have summoned the Geek Squad to come fix it for me today," he informed his manly friend of manliness. "I must leave, however, so I am afraid you must pay the bill for me when they are done."

"Thanks, Gandalf," Aragorn said sarcastically. "Where are you going?"

"I have some errands to run since Theoden is a dumbass. But besides paying for the repair of my fax machine, I will need you to take charge here. Prepare for battle whether by Theoden's will or not. Now that Wormtongue has gone, he will undoubtedly return to his true master and inform him that Theoden will take everyone to Helm's Deep. And while the dummy is in denial, the rest of us cannot afford to be. We must expect an attack."

"Well, no kidding."

"Right, well, I'm gonna go off and do some shit, so you stay with the Rohan freaks and make sure they don't do anything too stupid. I'll see you when the sun shines so brightly in your face that it makes you recoil and hiss like a vampire."

"Okay…" Aragorn said slowly as Gandalf mounted Shadowfax. "Um, Gandalf…I'm scared."

Gandalf looked down at Aragorn with a sympathetic smile. "Aragorn, I understand that you're in a difficult position as heir to a throne that has been ruled by a large number of losers, and that there is such a small hope to keep this world from being taken over by assholes, so believe me when I say, I understand your fear. And-"

"Uh, Gandalf," Aragorn interjected, "while all that just made me feel even worse, that's not what I was talking about. I'm scared that when I go back inside I'm gonna walk in on Legolas and Gimli-uh…making whoopy."

"Do you care if they make whoopy?" Gandalf asked.

"No, I don't. I just don't want to walk in on them making whoopy. Can you really imagine Gimli naked? Just…ew."

"Ah, yes, I can," Gandalf nodded wisely. He paused in thought for a moment before stating, "I think I would like to make whoopy."

"With _Gimli_?" Aragorn said incredulously.

"No, not with Gimli. I have no one specific in mind; I'm just in the mood now."

Aragorn unwillingly pictured Gandalf naked and wrinkly and his nose crinkled in disgust. "Okay, Gandalf, go get laid, whatever you want, just get out of here before I freak out."

Gandalf nodded. "Remember, Aragorn, always eat purple grass."

Before Aragorn could even think about that, Gandalf galloped out of the stable, laughing so that his voice echoed. Aragorn watched as he rode out into the field, and then Shadowfax's tail lifted upwards and the air echoed with the loudest fart Aragorn had ever heard. He sighed and shook his head, then made his way gloomily back to the Golden Hall of Meduseld.

When he walked in, he was relieved to find that Legolas and Gimli were not making whoopy, but playing chess. In fact, it was a magical chess set where the pieces moved. Legolas told his knight to go to a certain square, where Gimli's queen was, and the knight actually attacked the queen so that the piece was blasted into fragments.

"That's totally barbaric!" Gimli exclaimed.

"That's wizard chess," Legolas answered smugly.

"Who'd you get that from?" Aragorn asked. "Gandalf?"

"No. Ron."

"Who's Ron?"

At that moment, a red-headed teenage boy wearing robes and carrying a wand ran through the hall and out the doors.

"That," Legolas nodded at the doors, "was Ron."

"Right," Aragorn said, shaking his head in disbelief at all the madness. "Well, I'd better go and get my purse so I can pay the Geek Squad when they come."

Aragorn left the hall, passing Theoden, who was sitting in a corner drawing scary pictures of people with blood gushing from headless bodies. Aragorn tried to look away, not wanting to attract Theoden's attention, but accidentally stepped on one of his crayons.

"RAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!" Theoden yelled, pouncing on Aragorn's foot like a lion. Aragorn ran down the hallway, dragging the crazy king by the ankle, shaking him off outside his bedroom and slamming the door shut. He locked it, able to hear Theoden growling and clawing at the door.

"Pixie sticks rock my socks," Aragorn sighed, and walked across the room to retrieve some cash. He was distracted, however, by a shiny apple that glistened on the table…

Meanwhile, back in the Dead Marshes, Frodo lay awake, stroking the Ring whilst Sam slept soundly next to him. He was really wishing he had some whipped cream and a Sharpie, because if he did, he could draw a mustache and unibrow on Sam's face and put whipped cream in his hair, perhaps even put a cherry on top for effect.

Then he heard Gollum say in a creepy voice, "Sooo bright. Sooo beautiful. Ah…precious…"

Frodo rolled over onto his elbow and saw that Gollum was sitting there, stroking the palm of his hand.

"Dude, who _are_ you anyway?" Frodo asked.

"Not your business," Gollum snapped.

"Gandalf said you were one of the River folk."

"Cold be lips and tongue and nose. Cold be those sprayed by a hose."

"He said your life was a sad story."

"They do not see what is around when there are no footprints on the ground!"

"Weren't you a hobbit once?"

"Yes! But then we became insanely obsessed with the Ring and we turned into a freaky creature that walks like a monkey and talks like there is more than one of us!"

Frodo lifted up a finger in thought before saying, "That makes no sense, but then neither do you, so I'll take it."

A familiar, deathly screech filled the air. Frodo and Gollum looked up as Sam jumped awake.

"Who killed Kurt Cobain?" he yelled, looking around frantically.

"Sam, Nazgul!" Frodo shouted.

"The Nazgul killed him? I'll get them for this…"

"No, Sam! There are Nazgul right here!" Frodo grabbed Sam by the head and tilted upwards so he was looking at the sky, where a Nazgul was riding through the air upon a Fell Beast. Sam grabbed Frodo and pulled him under a bush to hide, Gollum joining them. The ring wraith 

screeched again, and Frodo could feel the piercing of his shoulder that had happened to him at Weathertop.

"Not again!" he shrieked. Sam put his hand over Frodo's mouth to shut the silly hobbit up.

"Didn't those things die in the river with their horses?" Sam asked.

"The horses did, yes," Gollum nodded. "The wraiths didn't though. You can't kill Nazgul. EVERYONE knows that!"

"Ah, shit," Sam mumbled.

The Nazgul screeched again.

"They are calling for the precious!" Gollum cried. Frodo could feel the Nazgul calling for the Ring, and began to pull it out from under his shirt, but Sam grabbed his hand.

"Sam, we broke up," Frodo said.

"Excuse me for keeping you from giving the Ring to the Nazgul," Sam snapped.

"What if I made you a balloon animal?"

"_What?" _

Frodo pulled out some of the long, stretchy balloons from like, nowhere, and began to twist them around as the Nazgul still circled above. Sam and Gollum exchanged bewildered looks with each other and watched Frodo play with the balloons. Then, he held up his creation to Sam and said triumphantly, "Ta da!"

"Um," Sam said uncertainly, taking the balloon creature from Frodo, "what is it?"

"It's an okapi!"

"What the refrigerators is an okapi?" Sam exclaimed.

"Google it. They're pretty freakin sweet!"

"Okay…" Sam mumbled, looking up to see the Nazgul fly away, back towards Mordor.

The odd trio continued traveling in the same direction as the ring wraith, weirdly enough. It was, after all, Mordor that they needed to get to. They eventually found their way through the marshes and crawled along a high rock, which overlooked none other than-

"The Black Gate of Mordor."

Okay, Gollum, _you_ tell the story then! Geeze!

Anyway, Frodo, Sam, and the rude Gollum watched as an army of Easterlings marched towards the Black Gate.

"If only my pappy could see us now," Sam sighed in wonder.

"Hiya, son!" said an old man that popped out of thin air right next to Sam, who jumped.

"Dad!" he yelped. "What are you doing here?"

"I was observing what amazing things you boys are doing. Oh, Frodo, my lad, Jill told me to tell you the condom broke and to come back to the Shire to take responsibility over your child."

"Not mine," Frodo said airily.

"Okay, just passing on the message. Bye!" Sam's dad poofed away. Poof! HA!

…

So Sam-not-wise (how clever, I know) leaned forward over the rock too far to get a better view, but fell. Frodo, being loony like Bugs Bunny, ran after him, while Gollum mumbled, "Idiot hobbitses."

Frodo had run up to Sam, who was half buried in rocks, and began to try lamely to dig him out. Two Easterlings had noticed some commotion, however, and began to walk over to investigate, so Frodo lifted his cloak over himself and Sam. The cloak was not invisible, but looked like a large rock, which was enough to fool the Easterlings. They walked right up to where Frodo and Sam hid. Frodo sneezed and looked at Sam in apologetic fear. One of the Easterlings, though, took off his boot, looked inside, and said, "Bless you, Nemo."

The other Easterling shook his head. "Norbert, how many times do I have to tell you? Nemo the fish is not hiding in your boot!"

"But I found Nemo."

"No, Norbert, you are clinically insane." The seemingly more intelligent Easterling sighed. "Come on. Let's get back with the others before Sauron decides not to give us our mascara back."

The two Easterlings walked back into their formation in the army, and Frodo lifted off the cloak.

"It's now or never, Sam," he said. Sam nodded, clutching his balloon okapi tightly. "On the count of three…one, two, three!"

Both Frodo and Sam lunged forward, about to bolt towards the Black Gate, but found themselves being jerked back by Gollum.

"Stupid, hobbitses!" Gollum croaked. "Smeagol knows a better way!"

"Then why didn't Smeagol say so before?" Sam asked huffily.

"Because Toucan Sam did not ask," Gollum grinned at Sam with an innocent expression.

Sam looked at Frodo with raised eyebrows. "You know, Mr. Frodo, I'm sure we could sell this weirdo on Ebay."

Back in Edoras, Legolas and Gimli were wrestling an apple out of Aragorn's hands while a snarling Theoden crawled around their feet. After a few minutes of struggling, the elf and dwarf managed to get the apple away and Aragorn settled down and back to normal. They all sat there, panting, before Legolas threw a slice of bread out into the hallway for Theoden to chase after. Gimli looked at Aragorn's apple.

"Aragorn, you got a good few bites out of this one," the dwarf said worriedly. Aragorn sighed and looked down at the floor.

The three hunters waited with tension for something to happen. After ten minutes of no attack happening anywhere near the Golden Hall, they looked at each other, puzzled.

"Why is nothing happening?" Legolas asked.

"Maybe the curse is gone?" Gimli suggested.

Aragorn shook his head. "No, I'm sure things are happening, just not here." He looked up at them with sadness and trepidation. "I think I really fucked up, guys…"


End file.
